I love what social networks have to offer, but sometimes I need to air my dirty laundry and let it be somewhat private.
In the last week I have come full circle emotionally. My ex-fiance called me last week and after an hour long conversation I got the vibe that she was interested in a reconciliation. I left for Arizona a day after we spoke and when I arrived home she invited me to her place for a "dinner and a movie" It wasn't awkward or weird or anything...it felt comfortable...almost like nothing had happened.
Ever since I've been conflicted...trying to figure out what her intentions were and finally today at work I almost caved. Sometimes when I am at work I find myself lost, deep in my thoughts and I began to get sick to my stomach...at one point I felt a bout of vertigo overwhelm me. I decided that I would cut out of work early and talk to her and ask her what was up.
I told her that it was painfully obvious that I wasn't over her and I needed to know if there was any hope for "us"...30 minutes of back and forth resulted in the typical, "I don't know, let me think about it."
I know her, I know that she can't let what happened in the past stay in the past so I don't even know why she is making me wait. I am mad at myself for putting myself back in this situation...I was doing pretty good and BAM she enters my life again. If all she wants is a friendship, I can't give that to her because I am still in love with her. It's almost been 2 years and I still can't seem to move on...everytime that I think I'm doing OK she seems to find a way to wriggle her way back in and make me suffer.
I've decided to transfer out of state effective Monday July 27th. First, I will email my senior human resource manager and see what he can do with that corporate job I applied for and if that is a dead end (which it probably will be) I will notify my boss of my intent to transfer. There are stores available in San Jose, California; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Mt. St. Helen, Michigan and some place in West Virginia. I desperately need a fresh start because I am not happy with my station in life...I am not happy period. Some might say that I am running away from my problems, which is true, but I have been a champ these last couple years and sticking around hasn't been any help whatsoever.
I'll be 28 in 13 days and I never thought in a million years I'd be this miserable...